Dear Etty

This past holiday season, I arranged to visit my brother in New York City. I am always the one in our family who works to bring us together.  We agreed that I would call on Friday when our family arrived from Virginia.  However, his answering machine told me to leave a message.  Repeated calls resulted in the same message.  Although my family had a good time, we could not help but be alternatively concerned and annoyed with our inability to contact him.  I called my brother the following week.  He apologized.  He told me that he forgot.  He had also neglected to mention our visit to his wife.  In an offhand way, he told me that his family had spent the weekend in Connecticut with his in-laws.  I am not sure that I can just forgive and forget. 

Stood Up in New York

Dear Suny,

We need to have a cup of tea and talk.  Something about the mild tone of your description leads me to wonder if you have been ignoring similar conduct over the years.  Where are your feelings of anger and disappointment?  Why are you so eager to forgive and forget?  If you have permitted your brother to take you for granted, it is important to acknowledge this behavior and to establish parity in your relationship.  Displaced feelings will come out in ways that are damaging.  I also suspect that your family is frustrated with you for permitting your brother to behave so callously.  In Ethical Culture, we emphasize our commitment to treating all human beings as persons of worth…that includes you.  Don’t continue to give your brother permission to disregard your needs.  If you need clarity and self-respect, consider setting ground rules designed to avoid future misunderstandings.  Consider realistically what your brother is capable of providing.  If you have trouble confronting your brother directly, write him a letter that describes how you and your family were hurt.  Explain how you and he will interact in the future to avoid misunderstandings, such as by setting ground rules for family visits.  Self-respect begins with exercising your backbone.  In “A Prayer For Owen Meany,” a wonderful cautionary tale by John Irving, the principle character literally loses his manhood because he could not face down his best friend.  

Another common circumstance involving families where needs are ignored occurs when one person becomes the designated caregiver expected to supply advice, arrange family meetings, provide care for incapacitated family, and perform other tasks that keep a family together.  As the caregiver, you may be meeting your needs by providing nurture and community but you may also be feeling overwhelmed and resentful.  A realistic approach may be to describe your feelings to family members and assign specific tasks so that your stress becomes manageable.    

 If you were to open a Chinese fortune cookie, I would hope it would read as follows. The good person meets the needs of others.  The wise person first meets her own needs.   

Etty