ETHICAL ETTY  Advice for the Ethically Minded –  “Doctor, it hurts in seven different places!”  Doctor replies, “Don’t go to those places.”  Badda Boom. 

Dear Etty,

Recently, another member lost control and yelled at me over something I considered a minor disagreement.  Later, he offered a half-hearted apology.   Sunday mornings are when I reconnect with friends, open myself to new ideas, and regain my calm.  I was at first stunned by the member’s loss of control.  Now I am angry.  What kind of Ethical Society is this, anyhow?

Upset in Virginia

Dear Up,

For better or worse, an Ethical society is not immune to relationship problems.  Despite our focus on behaving to bring out our best, misunderstandings and intemperate remarks  happen. When stuff happens, we instinctively protect ourselves by fighting, or freezing, or sometimes by “not going to those places.”  Next, we try to make sense of the encounter.  Did I say something hurtful?   Typically, we try to resolve disputes by explaining ourselves to the other person. “I asked if you would consider letting someone else have a turn talking.  You reacted by shouting at me and demanding more time to speak.  Your anger scared me.”  However, when someone’s reaction is both extreme and at odds with the situation, we know that what occurred is unlikely about us. Consider defusing the situation with a caring statement: “I wonder whether you are feeling especially angry about something apart from my request.”

Expressing care focuses us on the relationship.  It helps break our automatic defenses.  You also have the right to exercise protective force.  I urge you to confide in our Society’s Leader and President because your experience may be part of a pattern involving this member.  As an Ethical Society, we care about each other, but expect that members will treat each other with respect.

Etty