Dear Etty, 

I was with a friend when she learned that she failed a test.  I sympathized.  She offered a dour smile and changed the subject.  Do I just ignore my friend’s obvious pain?   

Stormy Weather   

Dear Stormy, 

As you discovered, sometimes you cannot make someone’s boo boo better.  Having expressed your concern, you were right to abide by what amounted to a request for privacy.  When someone is suffering, we often want to fix the hurt.  Sometimes all we have to offer is a kind word or a gentle hug.  On the other hand, I wonder how often we pretend a distressful incident never happened, encourage the person to “snap out of it,” insist on a rational discussion, or jump to provide strategies for handling the problem because we are uncomfortable or unsure about how to deal with someone’s emotional pain.  An invitation to talk about your friend’s setback is the kind of action that offers rather than imposes support.  “Can I call you later this week to see how you are doing?”  You can then offer empathetic support by paying attention to your feelings and needs as well as to those of the other person.  “I am feeling sad about your disappointment and I am guessing that you may be feeling discouraged.  Is there something you need from me that would help?”  Even if your guess about her feelings is off kilter, your friend is likely to respond positively by letting you know how she is feeling and what may be helpful.  Being available to listen when someone is at his or her worst is one definition of an ethical friend.      

Etty